Life Clichés (14) : 10 Steps to become MINDFULLY intimate and close to anyone

If you know me closely/intimately, you would be aware of my love for reading while commuting. And that's a joy I wouldn't trade for anything else. Many times, I wake up happy about the possibility to grab a book early in the morning: I might stumble on an eye opening truth, catch-up with my favourite character or sometimes just gaze into the far horizon as I take my time to internalise a verse from a poem.

And you probably are aware of me being a relentless morning person too, I find consolation in the dark yet bright solitude of an early morning. The only thing I could hear are my thoughts, and get to know what's buzzing inside my head.

One morning I stumble on this book, I have been keeping it for a while on my shelf : Mindfulness & Intimacy by Ben Connelly. At first sight, like you dear listener I assumed it will be about romantic relationships no doubt. But little did I know that it's a whole word in a sense that it means “closeness” or “friendship.” It is a very deep and powerful aspect of our lives.

The kind of intimacy that this book talks about is one that is beyond dependence, rather a trans-dependence and inter-connectedness that links us to every other human, if visualization might help you grasp this idea try seeing it as an ecosystem where there is a social and spiritual multiplex network and everyone is part of this matrix.

When we talk about mindfulness, which has become a term in Vogue and I quote one of my supervisors : it's un terme bateau - a boat word, it means what it means and its opposite since it is now romanticized and everyone is looking for mindfulness, but what is it, really ?

" Mindfulness is a translation of an ancient word from India, smrti. Smrti is sometimes translated as “remembering,” or “calling to mind.” Mindfulness is being aware of things in the present moment in a way that promotes well-being.

The level of mindfulness and intimacy is seen through different levels or maybe scales : starting with the Self to end his book on the All, through family, community, friends, work and play ... etc. Let's agree on the fact that each type of relationship has a precise level of intimacy, read it as closeness. 

1- Define the scale and level of intimacy and closeness :

This is the first major step to wards building not just relationships but enjoying a human connection. I believe that one of the reasons we all exist is to know one another, and get to know one another on many levels in the limits of the permissible. And that's the first connection and relation I establish, is to link intimacy and connection to a higher purpose.

It is easier to define these levels if you think of yourself standing at the center of different circles which radiuses varies according to the closeness or distance that you keep from a person. For instance you'll find that the small family circle is the tightest and closest to you, if not then it's your partner's, or probably your best friend. A bit further there will be a circle for friends, then colleagues, maybe neighbours, and so on until you have charted the whole of humanity - strangers.

2- Remember that each of these levels requires mindfulness from you :

Earlier I have quoted the definition that the author gave to mindfulness, but we have yet to associate to many other qualities that are helpful with nurturing and focusing on closeness in our relationships.

Mindfluness is ... Non-judgemental

Mindfluness is ...  Calm

Mindfluness is ... Cold

Mindfluness is ... Dispassion

Mindfluness is ... Observation

Mindfluness is ... Focus

Whenever you're connecting with anyone you are required to focus on what's said, carefully listen with detachment, and seek to understand. It would be easier to lock our emotions away and mechanically listen, but there's more to listening : you have to act empathetically yet leave your feelings and emotions aside. Acknowledge what the other is feeling as they're sharing with you but don't try to pick up those feelings

From personal experience, and my friends feedback, this is a practice that helps you not only connect with the other but with the self, which stands at the center of the circles we mentioned. 

3- Connect with the Self

In order to connect with anything it has to be defined, and how do you define yourself is important for you to connect with others. What is it that you put forth in any kind of relationship. I prefer to start with a higher purpose that of genuinely getting to know others, and this has helped me pick what was essential in myself. 

As an example, if you define yourself solely by your profession for instance, there aren't many people that might have the same interest. However, if you embrace yourself wholly as one human whose experience of seeking happiness, pursuing  a passion and thriving for a goal then chances are everyone else is having just a similar journey to you. 

So ask yourself : what is it that aches you and keeps you moving ? 

Thoughts shape us and have an enormous power of driving us forward in this life, so pay attention to both your emotions and thoughts.

4- Define an intimacy framework that works for you 

In this book the author defines intimacy in its simplest definition which means close familiarity and friendship. It's a soft spot between autonomy and interdependence. It's at the same time being and feeling like one with another person and maintaining boundaries, i would call them functional boundaries. These limits help you grow and maintain a sense of self and define your own intimacy framework : To what extent are you willing to go deep in a relationship ? Because by default, there is some kind of intimacy even in looking at the person sitting across from you on your commute.

There is an interesting study that the author shared and that has caught my attention, there are many neuroscientists that think that our sense of being separate self from others is just a construct of the processes in our brain. In other words we live with the illusion that we are separate entities, while in reality we're ultra-connected.

In accord with this, spiritual teachings keep telling us how we fell out of tune with the oneness of being. In fact, the author emphasises on the balance that we have lost in appreciating closeness and intimacy that is open on the infinite . In the Quraan for instance, Allah is closer to you than your jugular vein. This rhetoric proves in many ways how our definition of individuality and existing seperately from the rest of the world is again mere illusion.

5- Know your Body, Mind and Heart

What are your thoughts about your body ? Do you consider it a possession or as a home you have been entrusted with ? 

You have probably heard of treating one's body like a temple, it has a lot to say about what our relationship and intimacy should look like. A healthy relationship with your body is a process of not controlling things but through listening compassionately, and a non-judgemental awareness. Listen to your body, nurture it, and care for it - let it rest sometimes and challenge it when it needs to.

The same principle of careful observation of your body without judgement should be applied  to your mind. The root of mindfulness comes from mind. And our minds are inhabited with ideas, thoughts, emotions, so mindfulness is the ability to train your mind to  acknowledge thoughts without passion, to get to know your emotions from a distance and be able to take a step back -mentally- from your own thoughts and carefully pick the ones you want to discover or know more about. 

The intimacy that comes with thoughts is of another kind. One is never alone, hence when exploring your mind I see it as the closest experience of infinity : you can wander there without any limit and just let things be wild and free, your imagination knows the way. But since we are seeking the soft spot in the overlapping of intimacy and mindfulness, what the author advises you is to seek a middle ground where you're comfortable : Be mindful of the thoughts you pick and let them freely lead you ...

Culturally speaking, the heart has a central place in my own perception of self. It refers to my profound deep inside self and has the power to decide. Let us not confuse it with the emotional side of our brains, you know the amygdala, the prefrontal cortex, hippocampus, ... etc. It should rather be linked with spirituality more than that. There's a quote I heard on a Ghibli's movie and that describes what a heart is and feels like : 

Don't exhaust your heart with superfluous beliefs that might undermine your exchange with others. Always seek openness, understanding, tolerance and acceptance for your own sake first, then for others. Let light engulf  your heart and seek to understand not to be understood.

6- Open the door to your deep values

In my opinion, I think that values are the most valuable currency that exists, and will ever exist. They are tokens of goodness and morality. However, there is a confusion when determining values : let us agree on values that are principles of behaviour that aren't neutral but rather oriented towards virtue. They define the ethical boundaries of each of us, and might as well serve as a bridge between us. My personal pick of essential values that one has to nurture is the following : Charity, Forgiveness, Honesty, Tolerance, Justice, Patience, Sincerity, Truthfulness, Forbearance, Loyalty, Generosity and Humbleness.

Definitely, each one of us has a different set which priorities vary yet our objective is the same : to work towards enhancing these qualities and virtues. Talking about our deepest values is one door to a deeper intimacy with people in our life. Since there are so many individuals and cultures on the planet there are different virtues to get to know and learn about. and to begin learning we first must listen and be aware : mindful of values. According to the author values are powerful, when they promote harmony they are wonderful and when they divide they're dangerous. That is why I hold for values those that are morally acceptable and tend towards virtue, those that are not materialistic.

"Listen, seek to understand. And then let your understanding transform your values in a way that's true to you."

One way of being open to your surrounding values is to cultivate your not-knowing. It is to mindfully chose to unlearn and relearn again. The author gives an example of trying to keep it simple : when you are with your beloved, your family, or your friends open up to not knowing. Let them surprise you, listen, offer your attention and open your heart.

7- Build trust in the present moment

Many times or maybe most of the time we live in the past or the future but rarely in the present. Intimacy and mindfulness both require your presence in the here and now. There are many strategies and exercices to unlearn your attachement to the past and the future and give your full attention to the present, you can check Eckhart Tolle book : The Power of Now for some meaningful exercices. 

One of my favourite mantras or so to say reminders is to always trust the moment I'm in. It is a way of giving an unconditional trust to whatever you're experiencing. As I'm writing these words, I'm focused on the idea that I want to deliver and trust that it will unfurls just as I wanted it to be, I shift my whole focus to carve it in the words I mindfully pick. (Mindful writing, ain't it?)

Similarly, when we are experiencing a connection or wanting to establish one, we have to trust that in that moment of exchange there is a quintessential human quality that bridges between two human beings. And that in itsel is a miracle. (I dare to disagree with the urban legend that everyone of us is trapped inside of himself, nihilism might not be healthy on the good run - moderation is always key)

However, the best way to learn this is to observe someone who has mastered it, say a teacher. They don't have to be knowledgeable, charismatic they just show a sense of attention in their daily activities and are connected to life.

8- Choose teachers/mentors or simply people whose way of connecting inspires you 

Have you ever washed the dishes with love and patience ? Honestly, I used to hate house chores and I considered cleaning as trepalium - torture ! Until the day I read somewhere that I had to be patient with any task I am performing. Instead of forcing it and just focusing on the fact that it's not bringing me any joy, I shifted to an objective spectator, performing those tasks as a duty and not expecting any fulfilment in exchange ... After that I started working on honing a sense of connection rather than defensiveness ...

Little did I know that after years of practising this carefully it would help me foster a kind of awareness towards my surroundings, my self and others. 

The teacher who taught me this was Thich Nhat Hanh. In fact if you check out his book "True Love: A Practice for Awakening the Heart", you'll learn many things and tricks about how to keep yourself centred in the now and mindful. 

"I am determined to practice deep listening. I am determined to practice loving speech."

However, if you're blessed and found a teacher in real life, you have to keep in mind that trust is a key value in your relationship and it is one fertile ground from cultivating our capacity for intimacy. Keep track of your own strength, integrity and intuition. (Just in case your teacher might abuse their power.)

9- Build up together and creatively 

There are other places where you can shift your attitude and find joy in what you're doing like your workplace. One of the first steps you can take is to focus on the process, the matter at hand instead of the final outcome. This will bring a dimension of play to your work, and with time you xill begin to see that whether you're at work or not, you are just where you are and this gives way to a new experience of flow.

If it's hard for you to start practising this at your work, then maybe try art. You don't have to be smart to enjoy it or good at it. You only have to find things that move you and help you stretch out of your comfort zone.

The closest daily chore that is the closer to art is making food. Honestly, like dish-washing, I wasn't of fan of it neither. But when I focus on each step of cooking : peeling, cutting, the sound of the vegetables on the frying pan, that strenuous mission becomes a whole experience that's worth every second.

There's another dimension to a help you foster mindfulness and intimacy in every task at hand and act. That is to try to spend time in a group if you're avoidant of community, or to practice being alone if you're scared of that perspective. Test your edges and play with your life. 

At this stage, you have already mastered and nurtured your caapcity of mindfulness and intimacy with your body, mind, and heart, so you're ready to face the intimacy and all the pain that there is in your community. By this the author means that we need to practice honoring and respecting voices that might challenge our own opinion, these are also part of our commnity: a part of us.

"Don’t try to save the world. Open your heart, listen, and make one small beneficial step. Then do it again."

10 - To the ones we love, we don't know, we don't like : to everyone

In Islam, there's a belief that the best amongst the believers are those best to their intimate circle, loved ones. And it's not random, because those are generally the people we take for granted and put no effort to connect with. So you might need to learn how to focus on someone you love, how to be completely open to receive from them and take the time to be present there and then.

As for those we don't know, you can try connecting with them and practice it as you listen to a radio show, or watch a video that lets people you don't know tell their own stories.

To the ones we don't like : "I just know that it is painful. If you love the world enough to work for liberation, I hope you can love yourself enough to want to be free from this pain. I believe there is nothing you can do motivated by anger that you cannot do better motivated by love."

To all, stay aligned, have faith in humanity and practice !

"Saint Francis wrote a prayer that says, “Let me seek to understand rather than be understood.”"